Friday, December 19, 2008

Recover from a Breakup, Heartbreak, or Divorce NOW

I know how difficult the holidays can be with relationship stressors. And, if you have just gone through a Break-Up, Divorce, or if your Relationship is on the rocks then the holidays can be a nightmare!

There are over 19 million adults in this country who have gone through a divorce. Even more break-ups.

We have all at some point in time experienced heartache.

If you are going through this right now, I want you to Get your freedom & your life back!

I have helped HUNDREDS of individuals and couples just like you let go of their heartache and get on with their lives.

Are you in pain from a romantic attachment?
Going through an excruciating divorce or breakup?
Just can't get over a past love? Got heartbreak?

During the holiday season this pain can be magnified.

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* Let go of a romantic attachment, a breakup, or divorce.

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If you can't X out your EX, then this book is for you.

Break UP, Break THROUGH and BEYOND will show you ways that will make you feel empowered, more confident, and aware that you can create the life of your dreams.

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8 Tips to Reduce your Holiday Stress

It's HO HO HO for the Holidays

Its that time of year again - For some of you it is exciting.

It's sleeping in all day with work load behind you. It's family, friends and food: maple glazed turkey, sweet potatoes with melted marshmallows on top, buttermilk mashed potatoes with cider gravy, cranberry grape compote, deep dish apple pie, and pumpkin cake with brown butter icing.

Its picture perfect. It's a Hallmark moment. It's a Maxwell House (coffee) commercial. It's happily ever after for the holidays.

For the rest of you it's non-stop stress. It's having to work extra hard to pay off that credit card debt. Its dysfunctional family matters and no one to date.

The only perfect family that you experience is on television while you eat: microwaveable TV turkey dinner, mashed potatoes out of a box mixed with water, canned cranberry sauce, and dethawed once frozen apple pie. It's not a Hallmark card. Nor is it happily ever after during the holidays.

These tips can help you to reduce stress and make the holidays more pleasurable.

1. SIMPLIFY. Doing less over the holidays may help you to enjoy the season more and that is really the best stress reliever of all.

2. Ask a friend or family member to help.

3. If you have family difficulties, try to plan some time with friends.

4. Don't be a perfectionist about the holidays. Prioritize the events that matter the most to you and your family. Understand that you can't do everything, so choose the things that you can accomplish and enjoy.

5. For gift shopping, remember that it's the thought that counts. Don't spend more than you can afford. Whomever you are gift giving won't love you more just because you give them a more lavish gift.

6. Always have a plan B. Remember that family time can be both wonderful and anxiety-provoking. Sometimes, expectations for family reunions are too high. This results in resentments and disappointment. Try to be realistic. Don't expect that
someone is going to change and be the person you want them to. They are who they are.

7. Take some time for what the holidays mean to you.

8. Reflect on what you want your future to look like.

I wish you a wonderful holiday season and send you love and support wherever you you go or whatever situation you are in.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Tuesday, August 5, 2008


Rape, Cancer, Death & Divorce
Can you imagine being grateful for any of these?

Eris's Story "Thank God My Boyfriends Dumped Me."

The Controversial Book Series "Thank God I..."
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Call (323) 525-1550

Thank God I...the largest inspirational book series since Chicken Soup for the Soul, unites a world-wide community of individuals to share personal stories of gratitude for their past adversities. Thousands of writers will reveal gut-wrenching accounts of how they transformed perceived crisis into blessings.

Can thanking God for what we have...
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"Yes! Life is all about being grateful, and thanking God is the ultimate form of Gratitude. When you open your heart and mind and express gratitude for the abundance surrounding you, you align yourself with the Grand Organized Designer and may be in a position to receive more."

The Controversial book series, Thank God I..., is creating quite a storm worldwide.

Creator John Castagnini says: "Thank God I... is on a mission to share the healing power of gratitude and love of ALL things. By sharing compelling accounts of how personal adversities turned into triumphs, the series deems to transform lives through the healing power of gratitude. Our collection of stories share how becoming thankful is the key to finding a better self on the other side of pain."

New York Times best-selling author, Dr. John Demartini, comments: "What does it take to live 'happily ever after'? Ask a hundred different people and you'll get a hundred different answers. While some claim happiness is simply being in a happy relationship, others believe winning a pile of money would allow them to live happily ever after.

"What if I told you that the hope for 'happily ever after' is one of the greatest psychological and social delusions of our time? The purpose of life isn't to pursue only happiness, but to love and be grateful for life's winding road, which includes both happiness and sadness, positive and negative, and supportive and challenging experiences."

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Thank God I Was Fat
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Monday, July 28, 2008

Summer Lovin'

July is over this week. Can you believe it? Time moves so quickly, which is why I encourage people to not put off taking steps to find the love they want.

Summer is one of the best times of year to meet people. There are so many things to do! Outdoor concerts, BBQ's, pool parties, playing tennis, outdoor bars, enjoying baseball games, watching tennis or golf matches. Fun. Fun. Fun. I hope you are enjoying yourself and meeting new people.

I went down to Moonshadows in Malibu, California on Saturday for drinks at Sunset with some of my greatest friends. There were more single guys than girls looking for love. Where were you?

If you are having difficulties in finding the love that you want then maybe it's time to hire a relationship counselor or coach to help you through your internal roadblocks that are stopping you from meeting your mate. Don't let this summer come and go without finding love.

Love Eris,

Relationship Counselor & Coach
(323) 525-1550

2 Tips on How to Attract New Love or Less Love Dramas In Your Life"

If you are single:
Do you wonder why you haven't been able to find the love you want?

If you are having relationship troubles:
Do you wonder why you attract these relationship dramas in your life?

If you answered yes to either of these questions then keep reading.

If you want to attract new love or less love dramas in your life here are 2 tips to do so.


The first step is for you to begin asking yourself what you want your future or present relationship to look like.
Be specific and concrete.

If you are in a relationship and having troubles:

Picture yourself having a more peaceful and harmonic relationship. What do you say when an argument is about to arise? How do you act and behave towards your mate? What do you do differently?

The next step is for you start being that person who is in a more harmonic and peaceful relationship.

If you are single and want to attract a new relationship in your life:

Picture yourself in a relationship. What does your mate do, say, look like? How do they treat you? What things do you enjoy to do together.

The next step is for you to open youreslf up to attract that relationship in your life.


To attract the love that you want in your life you have to set an intention for yourself.

If you are in a relationship and having troubles:

Set an intention to act differently than you are currently behaving. Use the visualization tool and visualize becoming that person. Take whatever steps along the way to get to the relationship you really want. Don't worry about what your mate is doing. It really is not about them. Keep the focus on yourself and do whatever it takes to get to where you visualize yourself going.

If you are single and want to attract a new relationship in your life:

Set an intention to attract a new relationship in your life. Use the visualization tool and visualize being with your mate. Take whatever steps you need to take to find a mate. Get on dating sites, ask your friends to set you up with their single friends, Go out and flirt, tell everyone you are ready to find a mate.

Whatever you truly, truly work hard for, and believe that you will have, is what you will create.

When a person makes a living doing what she loves, she does not give up, she does not give in, and she insists on doing it. That's what we're talking about here. Not magical thinking but a belief that we can and will have the relationship that we want.

We will do everything in our power, and everything that feels right to us, to do so. It's as simple as that. The person who has no clarity, no goals, is unsure of themselves, and has a lack of follow through, will probably have more difficulty creating what they want. It is all a matter of choice.

It is important to be clear with yourself about what kind of a relationship and future you want to create for you.

So how do you get such clarity?

When you see a clear picture and set an intention for yourself to get there.

You can have the relationship you want. But, in order for you to make your relationship dreams come true, in order to manifest them in your life, it is important to make your dreams into a clear visual picture.

I suggest that your relationship vision be complete and focused. It is also important to ensure that your vision is what YOU really want.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

When is Enough - Enough?

“And that's why birds do it, bees do it
Even educated fleas do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love”

- lyrics by Cole Porter

When is Enough ever Enough? Can you have too many shoes? Can you ever eat too much Haagen Dazs or Pizza? What about SEX? When is enough ever enough?

Let’s say you and yours haven’t had sex in so long that you can’t remember the last time you did. Would you start looking for it someplace else (other than personal gratification/your vibrator)? Would you separate? Or, would you ask your mate to go to an extreme with you and DO IT once a day, every day, for 365 days in one year?

That’s what the authors of “365 Nights” did.

Crazy, Huh? What the heck were they thinking?

Charla Muller promised her husband "the gift," as she refers to their year of passion, for his 40th birthday. I guess she thought this would be better than buying him – Let’s say, a Rolex.

"This is something no one else would give him," she said in an interview. "It didn't cost a lot of money. It was highly memorable. It met all the criteria for a really great gift."

I guess she must have also thought unconsciously that it would be a gift that would keep on giving.

Her husband, Brad, was not all into the idea at first. In fact, he didn’t think she was all that serious, mostly because they haven’t been that active in the sex department in years. But, when he realized that his wife was FULL ON serious – he accepted “the gift.”

The 365 day marathon wasn’t all sunshine and smooth pavement. They definitely hit some road bumps along the way. At around month 10, Charla describes the gift to her husband as “my stupid idea” and “a hidden cross to bear.”

But in the end, Charla and Brad say that their year filled with sex created more intimacy. Charla said, “It required a daily kindness of forgiveness, and not being cranky or snarky, that I don’t think either of us had experienced before.”

The national average of people having sex is 66 times a year. Some couples are totally satisfied with being sexual one night a week, some twice, some twice a month. There’s no number of times that’s right. It’s up to you as a couple to decide what works for you. I do, however, suggest that sometimes you should take one for the team to keep the happiness alive.

Clayton and I talked about this topic and agree that as much as we love each other we could never “Do It” 365 days in a row.

How many times is Enough - Enough for you?

Would you like to have sex for 365 days in a row? Email me your thoughts.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Where Have All Of The Good Men Gone?

Are you at the point in your life where you ask yourself,

"Where have all of the good men gone?"

One of the things that I hear my women clients (and gay male friends) say over and over again when they first come to me is:

"There are no good guys left!
All of the good guys are taken!"

Do you have a history of dating the same "Mr. Wrongs" over and over again?

Do you seem to repeat the same issues in relationships time and time again?

If so, then it's easy to believe that ALL MEN ARE JERKS.

The truth is that all men are NOT TAKEN and NOT EVERY ONE IS A JERK.

Of course there are some situations where the man is not on his "best behavior." So, why were you with him in the first place? And even more importantly - why did you stay?

The question for you is: what are you doing in your relationships that attract the same men and situations over and over again? What is it in you that you need to heal?

See, it's not all about him and what he is doing or has done.


Thinking that all men are jerks is a limiting belief on love.

More limiting beliefs about love are:

- All men cheat. They can't be trusted.
- All good men are taken/married.
- I don't deserve love.
- There is no love for me.
- I am unlovable.
- I don't deserve to be loved.
- Love doesn't really exist or last.
- Who would want me? I'm too old, fat, unattractive...
- I'm too busy to date.
- Love is pain, so I don't want it

I suggest that you change your negative thinking and know that there are great guys (and girls) out there. Shift your Limited Beliefs on love to Unlimited Beliefs about the Abundance of love.

A few common examples are:

- There are faithful and committed men. They can be trusted.
- There are many available men.
- I deserve love.
- I have so much to offer a mate!
- Men are constantly asking me out on a date.
- It's never too late for love.
- There is such thing as love and I embrace it in my life.
- There is enough time in the day for me to date.
- Love is joyful because I get to grow and become more of my best self.
- I create love in my life everyday.
- I am always connected to a power that is greater than me (whatever it is me) to attract me to the relationship of my highest &
best good.

Now it's your turn.

What are your new Unlimiting Beliefs about the Abundance of love?

So, the answer to the first question is:

The good men have gone nowhere.
Its up to you to get yourself out there and find him.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

The La La Land Stage Of Love

There are a few stages to love.

The first, and by far the favorite, is The Honeymoon Stage
- or what I call the La La Land Stage - we all know about.

Beginning a new love relationship is like entering the gates of a Secret
Garden. It’s a place where a caterpillar creates its cocoon for the butterfly
to escape its chrysalis and flutter around in your stomach. Falling in
love feels like ecstasy. The bee’s wings, in frenetic motion, cause a
buzzing sound in your ear. Life instantly begins to have meaning. Two
birds in flight soar into the clouds. Your heart beats faster. Entangled
and entwined. You are floating on air, and your possibilities seem endless.

You experience a sense of vitality that you never felt before. The
love you feel sparks a flame deep within your unconscious. Supplies of

• Oxytocin
• Endorphins
• Dopamine
• Serotonin
• And other neurotransmitters

are at high levels.

Then you come crashing back to earth.

You know your ABC’s and the birds and the bees.

Its love in La La Land.

We long for love in La La Land. This began when we were little
children and discovered stories, myths, songs, books, poems, movies,
television, and their fairy tales within. It permeates our world.

Sound Familiar?

I know that it does to me. I can’t count how many times I have lived in La La Land, thinking that HE was the one.

He was! He was the one to BREAK MY HEART!

As I see it, La La Land is WAY LESS important
than Reality Land because that’s where
the REALationship starts and begins to thrive.

This false idea of love ignores the groundwork that relationships require.

Unfortunately, a majority of relationships start falling apart or end once the La La Land stage is over and Sleeping Beauty Awakes and finds that her Prince Charming is not so Charming after all.

Have YOU ever experienced this La La Land to Reality Land transition?

How did you deal with it?

The first reality that I see is that there is no such thing as a “perfect” relationship
(except in romance novels or fairytales).

The perfect guy or girl is a delusion.

The truth is that your relationship was perfect in the sense
that you chose to be there and there are lessons to be learned. You might
not have been able to learn these lessons without the relationship.

Once you step out of false hope and unrealistic fantasies into Reality
Land, it can feel like a tough place to be in at first. But, the truth is that,
only when you look at yourself and your relationship from the Reality
Land perspective do you give yourself the opportunity for growth.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Looking For Your Mr. Big?

Speaking of Sex In The City, we all know that the theme of the series is about being single and finding "The One".

Are you worried that you will never find a great relationship and end up being single FOREVER?

What kind of relationship do you dream of having - or already found?

Who is your Mr. Big?

Here's a fun little story:

A good friend of mine had her idea of her perfect Mr. Big. He was tall, dark and handsome - an Ivy League graduate - a doctor or a lawyer or both.

In her mind he made at least 6 figures, drove a luxury car, was well endowed, had perfect teeth and genes.

For years she shopped for her perfect Mr. Big. But luckily the stores had an open return policy. She seemed to keep finding ready to wear but not couture. The closest thing to a perfect man she could find was Jimmy Choo in the shoe department. Luckily she had her friends to keep her company: Vera, Stella, Diane, Luis and me.

My friend became frustrated and tired and got to the point where she had these thoughts:

· "I'm happy to be single and focus on myself."
· "ALL of the good men are taken."
· "I don't need a guy! ALL men are screwed up anyways."

But then she remembered that she really did want that connection with someone. She knew that she couldn't be single forever.

She became determined to make some space for a relationship. She set the intention for herself and started shopping once more.

Then, once upon a time...I received a text from my friend, which read, "Eureka, I found him!"

The funny thing was that he didn't quite resemble the guy that she envisioned. But, he cherished her, complimented her, had the same core values and made her feel like she could fulfill her dreams. He was her PERFECT Mr. Big.

As I like to say: There Is Always Hope. Don't Give Up. Keep Shopping! Your perfect Mr. Big could be right around the corner.

2 Keys To Making A Relationship Healthy

I want to share with you how to become more connected and fulfilled in a relationship.

Step One:

Ask yourself some simple questions:

* How do YOU feel when you're with your mate?

* Do you feel like they understand you?

* Or, do you feel like you never can BE 100% YOURSELF?

* Do you feel like they support you with your passions in life?

* Or, do you feel like the two of you have very little in common when it comes to the things you love to do?

* Do you feel like your conflicts take up so much time that you spend more time arguing than focusing on things that are more important to you?

* Does your relationship keep you from being the person you WANT to be or were before you met this person?

Now, ask yourself how you think
your mate would answer these questions.

If you're in a great relationship right now, and you
feel that there's NO ONE else who makes you feel
like your can reach your full potential - then nothing I'm going to say here is going to be news
to you.

In fact, I would love for you to e-mail me your Successful LOVE STORY. (

BUT, if you're feeling confused, alone, angry or
depressed about where you are, then
continue reading because these two keys that I'm about to share with you can help.

KEY #1:
Know YOUR Goals & Vision.

Don't forget that you had a life before your mate.

Have you forgotten about your purpose or hobbies?

If the answer to that question is YES, then this exercise of setting some goals for yourself will help.

Write down your goals.

The first thing in achieving a goal is to have a strong commitment to it.

Then, it is important to have a strategy on how you will deal with the things that will stand in your way of achieving your goals.

Last, keep track of your progress.

Here is an example of how you can write down your goals clearly:

My Goal:____________________

Steps I need to take to get there


KEY #2:
Know your Goals and Vision in
Your Relationship.

Sexual Chemistry and Passion is not ENOUGH for a successful relationship. In fact, that is the icing on the cake.

In order to be truly fulfilled and connected for the
long-term, your relationship also needs to have a common vision and goal.

Now, it just so happens that Clayton and I have very similar Goals and Visions for our relationship.
But it doesn't mean that we don't have to be clear and constantly work on making it happen.

The important thing to remember is that you have to continue to communicate and support each other's passion because that is what is going to make them a better mate. By being in a relationship TOGETHER, you're building a life that actually nurtures and supports your goals and vision together.

To ensure that you are working on creating your life together, I suggest map questing it clearly with one another.

Repeat the same activity that I suggested above - but do it together.

So, two keys in staying in a
healthy relationship are:

1. Make sure that you follow through with YOUR own goals and vision.

2. Make sure that you follow through with your goals and vision in YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Dating: 101

* Do you make time for date night in your relationship?
* If you are not in a relationship, but want to be in one, do you go out and make sure that you are connecting with others and
making yourself available?

HUGGING is the physical nature of a REALationship.

This includes holding hands, looking each other in the eyes, kissing, caressing, and making love.

This may seem obvious but too often we overlook and forget to just reach out and touch one another.

You have to set time aside for intimacy and physical contact.

We get so caught up in the day-to-day of living that we can take our relationship for granite. I suggest putting aside a night for just the two of you at least once a week. Even its just its just staying at home and watching a movie - just as long as you are doing it together.

Its Never Too Late To Date

Finally - Date Night! WooHoo!!

Clayton and I have been working so hard that it seems like it has been forever that we have gone out and had some FUN!

First we went to the Grove to see Iron Man.

The reason why I love Iron Man is because he is willing to take a look at himself and make a change in his life.

The billionaire industrialist starts off as being a self obsessed, selfish man whore who realizes that what he has been doing for years is killing millions of people while profiting from the sales of weapons of mass destruction. When he has a change of heart he invents an armored suit to help him save the world. My kind of guy! Not only does he have a philanthropic heart - he's smart, he lives in this fabulous mid-century modern home over looking the ocean, drives fast cars, AND - he's hot!

In the end of the movie, Iron Man falls in love with his assistant Pepper Potts.

When do YOU think that happened?

When she let her long flowing feminine hair down and put on that smashing dress? Or, was it the fact that she is unconditionally there for him and will do everything in her power to keep in him out of harms way - even putting his heart in a box? Or, is it a little of both. You have to see the movie. I can't wait to see what happens with their relationship in the sequel.

Iron man is just cool! Hmmm - Kinda reminds me of my sweetie (well, in my own comic book fantasy kind of way).

Then, Clayton and I proceeded to get dinner and drinks at La Piazza where we talked, people watched, and just had a good ole time. It sure does remind me that no matter how busy our schedules are, sometimes we have to force ourselves to let loose and have a little fun at least once a week. Because all work and no play make Eris and Clayton dull partners!

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Is Love A Game?

Do people play games while dating and in Relationships? DUH!

Welcome to the Game of LIFE!

The real question is:
What are these games and how do we avoid them?

In the game of LIFE, we all have to play games to enhance our position - to move forward on the board and ultimately survive/win.

One of the first games I played as a girl was:
He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not.
But soon I learned how to precount the pedals on the flower to work in my favor.

Since that game grew boring quickly, I moved on to Kiss and Tell, which is not really a game but it's where I kissed a boy in secret and then proceeded to tell as many friends as I possibly could. End result: It gets back to him. He knows he didn't tell anybody. And even if he did, and I did, I wouldn't trust him. End of relationship before it even gets started.

Leading us to: Truth via Truth Or Dare. This is where it gets a little more interesting. When played with people you are attracted to, it gives you the chance to learn something about them that you didn't know - if they're truly telling the truth. Frankly, its a little too time consuming for my taste. All that "truth" getting in the way of the dare (kissing).

If you ask me, I prefer a quick game Spin the Bottle. Only problem is, the bottle never landed on the boy I wanted to kiss. YUCK.

Then as I got older the game changed: The Dating Game. "The Rules" became much more subtle and complex.

* Now, if I wanted a kiss a guy, it couldn't be on a first date.
* If I wanted to go out with him, I couldn't accept a date past Wednesday for Saturday.
* Don't see him more than once or twice a week.
* Always be the first to hang up the phone.
* Stop dating him if he doesn't buy a romantic gift for you on Valentine's Day or your Birthday.
* Don't live with him or leave your things at his place.

UGH, and the worst was when he didn't call for 3 days after he got my number.

Don't pass go. Don't collect your 200 dollars. Rules. Rules. Rules. Blah, Blah, Blah.

Talk about getting a headache. Ah, but that's a whole other game (you know - I gotta hang up because I have a headache).

What games do you play?
Even better, what games are played on you?

Then you get to even more adult games. Lets call it the game of Tit-For-Tat (which Clayton and I are grand masters of).

The game of tit-for-tat has its positives and negatives. It forces conflict as well as fostering cooperation.

Example: Sometimes Clayton tells a story that I can't bear to hear: ONE MORE TIME! So, then I tell a story that he doesn't like me to share, which causes and inevitable stalemate. We finally both retire these stories from our conversational repertoire.

A friend of mine gets so upset because her partner never chips in wash the dishes. So, she in turn, stops washing dishes until the sink piles up and there is not a clean dish left. Finally he forces himself to the sink and with a rag and not so much JOY and washes away their conflict.
Tit- for-tat. The status quo is once again.

The Rules of Engagement. This is a whole other bag of rice. The rules in the marriage process become so intricate that you'll have to wait to read our next books.

One thing I can tell you is that communicating what you perceive your rules to be and coming to a mutual understanding with your mate is a good start to the game.

Speaking of games: Clayton is sitting next to right now. While we are writing he is kissing my cheek, telling me how much he loves me.
Is that a game?
And if so, what game does he want to play?

Gotta GO...

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Distance vs. D-I-S-T-A-N-C-E

Why is it that they say
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder?"

I just traveled 284 miles (568 round trip) for 3 glorious days in Vegas.

Most people think of guys when
it comes to Vegas getaways.

But, what happens in Vegas doesn't always have to stay in Vegas. For me its not about the gambling and the strip clubs. It's about fun, food and relaxation. My mom lives there. So, its my perfect getaway.

Its not exactly that I need to get away from Clayton per se, it's just nice to have a break.

Do you ever feel that you need
a break from your mate?

I think Couples should practice spending time apart. It gives you down time. It gives you time to think and reflect on yourself.

Absence can make the heart grow fonder,
but it can also give you a sense of
your own beauty and strength.

Some people think that being together all the time is healthy, but it can be smothering at times. This isn't good because you can lose your identity. You must keep your individuality in a relationship. Both mates should be able to stand on their own two feet - not on each others.

You shouldn't be afraid of that person's absence or that he or she will cheat. If a person is going to cheat, he or she will do it regardless. If you're afraid of this happening, you shouldn't be with that person anyway.

S-e-p-a-r-a-t-i-o-n gives you time to reflect on that person from a distance. It's not that Clayton and I didn't talk to each other when I was gone - we did. But, the distance gave us a sense of s-p-a-c-e. Without space in a relationship the relationship can become stifling and overbearing. This can happen in any relationship - even a healthy one.

When absence has truly made the heart grow fonder we experience a reconnection with our mate. We no longer focus on the pety or mundane that gets under out skin. We can now focus on the positive qualities of their personality, which allows us to rekindle the love that we have for one another.

FYI - men are often the ones
whose hearts grow fonder in
the absence of a loved one.

Men have a tendency to take a mate for granted when that person is around. But when that person is not around, they will think about those qualities that they miss. The hunger for those qualities grows and grows and grows.

I know this is true when I take a trip away from Clayton. It becomes truly clear that although he has trouble living with me 24-7, he CLEARLY can't live without me 24-7!

Not only did I have fun in the sun, wined and dined by night, and shopped till I dropped - I got to come home to a renewed relationship.

FeMANine vs. MISSculine

It’s nice to see stereotypes switching genders. It’s not always the feminine that goes through the pains and longings after a break-up.

Have You Ever Experienced Yourself Being
FeMANine or MISSculine?

Clayton and I saw the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall - HILARIOUS! It was our part of our date last weekend. (I feel that it is really important to date when you are in a relationship - but we'll talk about that at a later date).

So, without giving away too much of the plot, the set up of this movie is boy meets girl, falls in love with girl, lives and works with girl, girl cheats on boy and breaks up with boy, boy is left broken and both psychologically and physically naked/alone. Throughout the first section of the movie, we see boy living out the stereotypical female role (he cries, he calls his friend repeatedly to talk about her, he cries some more, he eats, he sleeps, he cries himself to sleep, he wakes up and repeats the same pattern). This, you can tell, goes on for days and days and days - If not weeks, and weeks, and weeks. Finally boy finds himself ALONE, ALONE, COMPLETELY ALONE! SCREAM!

So, what does boy do? This is where the stereotypical feminine & masculine archetypes switch roles for a moment. Boy calls friend (which girl would do) to go out and have some fun. But, unlike the stereotypical feminine, who would probably drink, dance, and flirt; he, in his stereotypical masculine proceeds to drink, not dance, and F*#K. After the F-ing is over, he switched back to his stereotypical feminine and began to cry, while the girl with him in bed consoled him. You could see the distaste in comfort she was experiencing by this UN-stereotypical situation.

As far as my relationship, Clayton and I seem to switch our stereotypical feminine and masculine roles at times (all the time). I find that this is at times confusing and at times constructive. All in all, it’s once again about communication. Who takes on what role when, where, how and why? When you are in a relationship, sharing these roles can allow each individual to discover unstereotypical feminine and masculine in themselves, which can create a better and stronger partnership in their relationship.

Have you Ever experienced a situation and time where you have switched feminine and masculine roles in a relationship? If you have, I suggest taking an honest look at that experience and seeing how it affected you and that experience.

Examples: Emotional, physical, social, financial, etc.

Emotional: Do you find that one of you is more emotional than the other? How does this affect your relationship? Is it a positive or a negative? Is it something that needs to be shifted?

Physical: Do you find that one of you is more physical than the other? How does this affect your relationship? Is it a positive or a negative? Is it something that needs to be shifted?

Social: Do you find that one of you is more social than the other? How does this affect your relationship? Is it a positive or a negative? Is it something that needs to be shifted?

Financial: Do you find that one of you is more financially responsible than the other. How does this affect your relationship? Is it a positive or a negative? Is it something that needs to be shifted?

ETC: Do you find that one of you is more _________ than the other. How does this affect your relationship? Is it a positive or a negative? Is it something that needs to be shifted?

Look, what is stereotypical?

There is really no stereotypical anymore. In today’s world of shifting perceptions and new challenges, we have the choice to be who we want, playing the roles we want. Nonetheless, we have to make sure that who we you choose to be in our love life will fit into the roles of the relationship.

I suggest in your relationship you always reevaluate your roles and redefine your relationship.

Many times our confusion about our masculine and feminine within, especially today’s working women, can leave us alone and confused.

I hear women being frustrated asking… “Why am I not in a relationship?” “I’m successful in my business but not in love! WHY?”

Part of the reason for that is because we spend so much time working on our external looks, or not understanding how men and women can be successful in love together. Another part of the puzzle is that in order for a relationship to be healthy and last you have to become aware of the male and female within yourself.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Relationships May Fail - But We Do Not Have To Be Failures!

"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
- Friedrich Nietzsche

I had a former client, and for the sake of anonymity, lets call her Jill and her ex Jack. Jack and Jill, after 18 months of their relationship, (5 of which were in La La Land and the rest in varying degrees of Reality Land) decided that their relationship was at a breaking point. Throughout the portion of their relationship in Reality Land they experienced many difficult and trying situations, which finally were simply too much for them to carry on. So, they came to the conclusion that what they thought that they had found in La La Land and in brief moments in Reality Land were not real enough for them to have a REAL-ationship.

It might sound cliché, but there's always something you can learn from every experience in love relationships- especially the painful ones. Often times we need to repeat certain unhealthy patterns or behaviors, feel excruciating pain, or hit a bottom to learn from our "mistakes." The good news is that your current or past "failures" are the seeds that can inspire you to grow and blossom if you so choose. Your relationship challenges and past relationships can give you a clearer picture of what you want and what you don't want in a relationship if you take the time to examine them.

By the time Jack and Jill came to me for counseling, it was too little to late. The fact is that Jack didn't want to be in the relationship anymore. That's not to say that Jack didn't want to be in a relationship - just not one with Jill. So, after two sessions, Jack decided to break up. Jill continued counseling because she still had questions about the relationship that needed answers. Through our sessions, she started recognizing her patterns and failures. She now knew what her triggers where and where they stemmed from. This did not mean that she erased her patterns from her entire being and never repeated them again. But, once aware of them, she began to change her motivations and actions. This was a huge turning point for her. She realized that her break-up was an ending but also a beginning. The best part of this was that she was able to leave her past behind (not deny it), while letting go of her anger. Of course this did not come without hard work and some pain. But Jill survived and grew stronger from the process.

The purpose of all relationships is to help us grow. We choose certain people in our lives because they are mirror reflections of us in one or more ways. Even the most challenging relationships can be gifts in learning more about ourselves.

When I asked Jill what her biggest lesson was from this experience, she told me that even though she felt loss at the time of her break-up, she never felt like a looser.

So, instead of focusing at the failure of a relationship, I suggest you look at it as a growth experience and move forward by changing your behaviors and learning from it.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

How To Talk The Money Talk

Many people will talk about anything, even sex, before they'll talk about their finances. Why is it so difficult for us to talk about money? Because money symbolizes power, control, security, and self-worth. It is even used to buy love.

Statistics say that 90% of divorces and relationship endings are caused by financial issues. You don’t just have to be poor to feel this strain. Even the rich get divorced over money issues. Too little or too much money can be at the heart of the matter.

So, what do you do? Strive to make it to the middle class and stay there? That is one approach that I don’t suggest. Because no matter where you stand on the economic scale verses the scale at the gym, we always want more. What I do suggest is not letting your finances, like your weight, dictate who you are as an individual or in a relationship.

The adage, you are what you eat, might be true. But so is, you can’t take it with you. So, maybe we should value the things that we can: our true self-worth and your lasting relationships.

If you find yourself a little too little and little too late then you must take this relationship ending from the debit column and find a way to put it the credit column to not repeat this financial pattern in your future relationship. As the stock market ebbs and flows (bull and bare markets) so will your love life. Sooner or later it will flow again for you.

Here are some suggestions on “The Money Talk” for couples or your future as a couple:

• Make clear whose money is whose money. Do you share a bank account or live financially independent from one another?
• Be honest with yourself and your partner on where you stand with money. If you have always been independent it might
be hard for you to be taken care of. If you have more assets than your partner, you might not be comfortable risking your
money, or resenting his or her spending habits that aren’t good.
• Be clear on where your money is going (rent, clothing, insurance, travel, food, transportation).
• Be clear on who keeps the household books and pays the bills.
• Come up with spending and savings guidelines. Let your partner spend their own spending money in the way that makes
them happy.
• How much money do you earn together? Now? In one year? Five Years? Ten Years?
• Get a long-range financial planner when you are financially ready for retirement and investments.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Sex in a Perfect World

Beginning a new sexual relationship is like entering the gates of a Secret Garden. It’s a place where a caterpillar creates its cocoon for the butterfly to escape its chrysalis and flutter around in your stomach. Falling in love feels like ecstasy. The bee’s wings, in frenetic motion, cause a buzzing sound in your ear. Life instantly begins to have meaning. Two birds in flight soar into the clouds. Your heart beats faster. Entangled and entwined. You are floating on air, and your possibilities seem endless. You experience a sense of vitality that you never felt before. The love you feel sparks a flame deep within your unconscious. Supplies of oxytocin, endorphins, dopamine, serotonin and other neurotransmitters are at high levels. Then you come crashing back to earth. You know your ABC’s and the birds and the bees. Its love in La La Land.

La La La...Blah Blah Blah... There is no such thing as a perfect world or a perfect relationship. There are just good ones and not so good ones. But, we can learn from them all. What have you learned about yourself from your past or present relationships? (comment on my Blog)

When Clayton and I first became intimate in our relationship the flames were high and sparks were flying everywhere. Then July 5th came and the fireworks were over. We both realized that we had to reignite our own passion and love for each other. Its not always easy with the day to day hustle and bustle and responsibilities in Reality Land. Clayton and I usually find time to make love on the weekends. This past Saturday must have been 13 minutes plus some foreplay (not that I was counting...LOL). When Monday came around I flirted with Clayton hoping to carry on the weekend into the work week. He was so exhausted from his long work day that he said NO! Why is it that its OK when men don't want to have sex and not OK when women don't?

post your stories here

Sex takes 3 to 13 minutes

According to and a survey of sex therapists, the optimal amount of time for sexual intercourse is 3 to 13 minutes. The average time is 7.3 minutes. This does not include foreplay. So, for all you you out there who feel short changed or cheated for what you thought was a "quickie," you might need to reevaluate. What turns you on? What is a good amout of time that works for you in your sexual experiences?

I have actually never timed myself having sex, unless I am so bored that I turn over to look at the clock (which I have never done with my fiance, Clayton..wink,wink). What I realize is that it is not about the time it takes, its how you utilize it. And, foreplay can last all day.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

For All Y'All Spring Breakers


Spring Break has arrived! It’s a week to kiss off class, forget exams, and unwind. Let’s be honest here, Spring Break is no longer beach blanket bingo. Today it’s Girls Gone Wild, wet t-shirt contests, drunken debacles, and one niters. So, for some of you its fun in the sun or racing down the snowy slopes on the mountainside. For the rest of you, you won’t be joining your friends and classmates in their happy dance because it doesn’t fit in your budget, or previous responsibilities. Not matter what your situation is, it’s Spring Break. Find the time to give yourself that BREAK no matter where you are.

ASK Eris
Last year I had to stay at school and work during Spring Break, while my boyfriend and his frat house went to South Padre. Long story short, a few weeks later, I wound up getting Chlamydia. I was shocked! As far as I was concerned, we were in a committed relationship. First he denied it, then he admitted to cheating, blamed it on the alcohol, said she meant nothing to him, and apologized. I semi forgave him and tried to forget. Since then we have had many ups and downs, but we have stayed together.
Well, here we are again – Spring Break. Once more, I have to stay back and work because exotic travel doesn’t fit into my budget, while my boyfriend is going to Jamaica with his frat brothers. Of course he has promised, promised, promised that it won’t happen again. However, I am already worried sick that he will cheat again. All week while he is gone, I am going to be pulling my hair out. I don’t know if I should stay with him or break up with him. I really do love him.

Eris Suggests,

First of all, you need to ask yourself what love is. Is love feeling worried that your boyfriend is going to cheat on you and might infect you with another STD? You should find yourself lucky that Chlamydia can be treated and cured with antibiotics. If he cheated on you once, who is to say that he won’t do it again? By the sound of what you are writing me, he has in no way, shape or form, tried to make you feel secure – while he goes off with his brothers. Where, in this dynamic are you valuing yourself? Let me answer that for you – NOWHERE. It is hard enough that you have to stay behind and work and can’t join your boyfriend to bask in the sun. I suggest that you use this week for some self-reflection. Be honest with yourself. What is the reality of your relationship? Can you do better by choosing someone that will make you feel more secure? (Check one) [ ] yes [ ] no. Become more aware of your self, what you want out of a relationship, and what kind of life you want to create for yourself. Find your self-worth. If you close the door on one unhealthy situation, you allow space for something else. It is up to you if you choose that to be something that will make you flourish, not pull your hair out.

ASK Eris
I am so torn about what to do with my Spring Break. I’m a senior and it’s my last Spring Break before the “real world” kicks in. One group of my friends are going to Cancun while another group of my friends are involved with think MTV and United Way’s Alternative Spring Break in the Gulf Coast. The volunteer work sounds like what my heart wants to do and it will look good on my resume. However, I don’t want to miss out on the sun and fun with my friends. It’s my last time to really hang with them before we all move to all different parts of the country.

It is understandable that you want to bask in the sun with your friends – no one can blame you for that. However, although partying during Spring Break can lead to unforgotten times and stories, it isn’t the only way for you to spend your break. More and more every year, students across the country are donating their time as a volunteer/vacation opportunity. If you choose to go to the Gulf Coast, you are in a win win situation. Not only will you help your resume and future opportunities, you will feel good about what you did. There will be unforgettable times in this decision as well. Experts say that it will take years to rebuild the peoples shattered lives in the Gulf Coast. Why not listen to your heart, and be a part of the recovery efforts. Hard Hats off to you for wanting to help.

Valentine's Day

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not

It's that time of the year again - February - the month of romance and Valentine's Day - and another Hallmark moment (It's the second largest capitalistic gift giving holiday of the year). For some of you, your rooms will be filled with sweet tart hearts, See's candies, and bouquets of flowers. You are in love, and will be exchanging cards that say, "Will you be mine?" For others it's a lonely day and a lonely night while watching the lovebirds in their La La Land. For you, the fact that people actually buy into this contrived, manmade, multibillion-dollar holiday is silly at best. Nonetheless, for most of you, there is probably somewhere, deep down inside of you, a glimmer of hope that cupid will take his bow and shoot you with his arrow that will cause you to fall in love. Whatever the case may be, just remember to always love yourself.

Here are some of the Valentine's Day questions I have recieved from my readers:

Ever since I was a kid, I felt forced into Valentine's Day, and forced into expressing love in a way that I'm not ready to. This occasion ruins the natural process of love. It's a complete set up, which I think was created by the female of the species. I care about my current girlfriend; but with Valentines Day right around the corner, I'm put into this position once again. I don't know how to express myself, or what to give her. I even have the thought of breaking up with her before the holiday and then getting back together with her afterwards. But, I know that this is not right. What should I do?

Eris Suggests:

It's a good thing that you know that breaking up to avoid the pressures of Valentine's Day isn't a healthy thing to do. I suggest that you talk to your girlfriend and explain to her the pressure that you feel around Valentine's Day. Give her the chance to express herself with you as well. As far as a gift, be creative - come up with something simple and appropriate. Or, come up with something together that feels comfortable for both of you. I suggest that you do not force yourself into saying anything that you do not want to say. Valentines day does not have to be such a pressure filled holiday nor does it have to become a bank account buster.

FYI - Although many women do get excited to celebrate Valentines Day with the person that they love, women did not create it. It was traditionally dedicated to two ancient male martyrs named Valentine.

Valentines Day is right around the corner AGAIN and I'm starting to freak out. I generally get an overwhelming feeling of loneliness around February. And, to top it off, I'm surround by women at work. Most of them are already getting cards, gifts, flowers, etc. And I won't - unless I send them to myself. Should I send myself flowers to escape the embarrassment or should I call in sick on Valentine's Day?

Eris suggests:

The fact is that everywhere you look in February is images of couples kissing, candy, hearts, and love, love, love. It is a shame that people who are not in a relationship are made to feel bad on Valentines Day. To make matters worse, if you are already feeling alone, then this day can trigger all sorts of difficult feelings and emotions. However, all of this hype can trick you into putting just as much focus on this holiday as society does. This can be unwarranted as well as unhealthy. I suggest that you change your perception of this day. Its just another day, and not being in a relationship right now is not the end of the world. Don't get down on yourself for that. You first need to be in a relationship with yourself, empower yourself, and fall in love with you. There can't possibly be a better time to do this than right now. Self worth comes from you, not from anyone else. Take contrary action on Valentines Day and have a date with you, yourself, and YOU. Take yourself to the movies, go on a nice hike, go shopping (Just don't get yourself into debt). You can also enjoy the day with a friend. As Oscar Wilde said, "To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance."

I get many e-mails surrounding Valentine's Day break-ups. This does not surprise me being that this holiday revolves around equating love - finding the dollar figure that says, "I love you," in just the "right amount." The rest of the year, we show each other how much we love by the little things, how we listen, how we act. But on this day, its pre planned, pre packaged, pre marketed, pre sold, pre bought, and pre consumed. But lets not remove February 14th from our calendars. Lets just remember what its for - EXPRESSING LOVE.

PS: For all of you that e-mailed me about your Valentines Day break-ups - I'm sorry. But if your significant other broke up with you because of this holiday then there was more to it than that or not enough. Be thankful that you are free at last, free at last, free at last.

Love, Eris

Sunday, January 6, 2008

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

“We will open the book. Its pages are blank.
We are going to put words on them ourselves.
The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day.”
- Edith Lovejoy Pierce

Top 10 New Years Resolutions

1. Loose weight.
2. Get in shape. Eat right.
3. Quit smoking.
4. Quit drinking alcohol or drink less.
5. Enjoy life more. Reduce stress. Take a trip. Find a hobby.
6. Get out of debt. Save money.
7. Find a mate.
8. Get a new job. Educate yourself more. Learn a new language.
9. Spend more time with family and friends.
10. Organize and De-clutter.

What is your #1 Resolution? ________________________________________________

ASK Eris
Every year I set tons of goals for myself. The problem is that once Jan 15th rolls around, I totally forget that I even had any New Years resolutions. Last year I set a goal to quit smoking. Do you think I did? NO! In fact, I went from ½ a pack to a pack. This year I want to quit smoking, and get into the gym 5 days a week. I also want to quit my shopaholism before I get into debt. Maybe I need to get a job so that I have some extra cash and not spend all of my student loan money on going out. I don’t know how to go about attaining these goals. Help, please.

Eris Suggests,

Getting into debt and overspending isn’t good for any of us. Neither is smoking. I especially relate to that one. I smoked a pack a day for 10 years and quitting changed my life. Start saving the 5 bucks a day that you spend on your cigarettes. Most people forget their New Years goals by the stroke of Midnight on January 2nd. Whether you have New Years resolutions or not, goals are important. They help us move forward in life. Many of us have dreams of getting somewhere, but we do not have a map of how to get there. Making your resolutions is just your starting point. The key is following through with your goals and resolutions and this takes making a plan.
1. Set a goal
2. Create a plan
3. Why wait…make your plan immediately after you set the goal or else you will forget.
4. Type or write the plan down. This makes you accountable and makes the goal official.
5. Be flexible, realistic and reasonable with your goals. (For example maybe you don’t want to set your goal to working out 5 days a week immediately. Start slowly with 2 days a week and then work your way up if you so choose.) Try not to say I will NEVER do ___________ again. This can set you up for failure.
6. Follow through with your goals.

The first thing in achieving a goal is to have a strong commitment to your goal and what you want to change. Then, it is important to have a strategy on how you will deal with things that will stand in your way of achieving your goals. Lastly, keep track of your progress. Remember: all things in moderation.

Here is an example of how you can write down your goals clearly:

Goal: _____________________________________________________________
Steps I need to get there

Confucius say “ To make change, take baby steps.”

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Twas the month after Christmas and a few extra pounds

This is a poem that my Fiance's Aunt Ruby read to us over the holidays.
The Author is Unknown but it was submitted by Betty Irvine.

After Christmas

Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse,
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist,
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rare,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please,"
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And perpared once again to do battle with dirt...
I said to myself, as I only can
You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip,
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished,'I won't have a cooki--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick,
I won't have hot biscuits, corn bread, or pie,
I'll cunch on a carrot and quietly cry,
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore...
But isn't that what January is for???
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot,
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet.