Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Can I Call My Ex?

The phone is not your friend.

Can you hear me now?...Can you hear me now?...

This is not new information. It shows up in most break-up books, blogs, advice columns, etc. However, I would be remiss if I neglected to inform you of this pertinent fact of break-up phone etiquette.

I highly recommend not calling your ex. The phone is not your friend – hang it up.

The reason why I suggest not calling him is because you have broken-up. It is over. He does not want to talk to you. If he does want to talk to you, he will call. And, on the flip side, if you broke up with him, do you need to hurt him any more by calling him?

You need space and time in order to heal. This includes space from communicating. This is really important while you are taking steps to evolve and mend your broken heart. Erase his phone number from your mind, phones, and anywhere else you have it stored. DELETE. DELETE. DELETE. Don’t text, e-mail, Facebook, live on his my space, IM, say hi when you see him online, or snail mail him.

Trust me on this one.

Let me give you a little bit of my history. I can’t even remember how many times I that the number one rule is to not call that guy. Do you think I listened? NO! When Mr. Yellow broke up with me I sent him a poem to tell him how I really felt about “us”. No response. Then I called to just check in to see how he was doing. No call back. He wanted nothing to do with me. You would think that I learned my lesson with him. So, when Mr. Gray and I broke up, I didn’t call once. I cringed my teeth, but I did not pick up the phone. But, then, I couldn’t take it any more. I gave in. You think that I would have gotten the hint that he wasn’t that into me after a few of months of no contact. Well, I didn’t. I figured that if I reached out and told him how much work I did on myself he would miss me and remember what an amazing woman I really was. Do you think I got the response I wanted? NO!

They never answer the way you want them to if you chase them. If he wants to talk to you he’ll call. They usually do – even if you don’t want them to. Even if it’s just a bootie call.

If you still are wondering if you should call him ask yourself the following questions to reflect:

- Have you ever called or tried to contact an ex after the two of you broke up? [ ] yes [ ] no

- Did he answer? [ ] yes [ ] no

- Did you get the response that you were looking for? [ ] yes [ ] no

- How did that make you feel?

If you still feel the urge to contact him, try to engage yourself in activities you can do instead. Example: go shopping, to a movie or even a double feature, exercise, write, learn more about yourself, plan a trip alone or with friends, watch television, go to a friend’s house, prepare a nice meal for yourself, start internet dating. If you need to pick up the phone, call a friend or family member instead. Make sure that you call someone who is supportive and does not make you feel bad about yourself.

Lets say you decide to break down and call him because you just can’t help yourself. You feel like you REALLY need to hear his voice. I understand that it is your life and you are going to do whatever you want to do. However, if you do decide to make this move, try not to call him at odd hours of the night, first thing in the morning (especially on Saturday or Sunday), or on a Friday night. Don’t call him at his office. DO NOT, under any circumstances, check his voicemail (That is an invasion of privacy and its just wrong). And by the way, PLEASE DO NOT DRINK AND DIAL. You will only make an ass out of yourself by doing this.

If you decide to call, I propose that you leave him a voicemail or e-mail to tell him what you need to say.

NOTE: You are taking a RISK by contacting your ex. It is a RISK because you will most likely be let down. He probably will not give you the response that you are looking for.

If you take the venture to call, notice what your expectations are. How are you expecting him to respond? What do you want him to say to you? Why do you feel the need to call him? Write these answers down in your journal to reflect.

To Your Break THROUGH Success!