FeMANine vs. MISSculine

It’s nice to see stereotypes switching genders. It’s not always the feminine that goes through the pains and longings after a break-up.

Have You Ever Experienced Yourself Being
FeMANine or MISSculine?


Clayton and I saw the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall - HILARIOUS! It was our part of our date last weekend. (I feel that it is really important to date when you are in a relationship - but we'll talk about that at a later date).

So, without giving away too much of the plot, the set up of this movie is boy meets girl, falls in love with girl, lives and works with girl, girl cheats on boy and breaks up with boy, boy is left broken and both psychologically and physically naked/alone. Throughout the first section of the movie, we see boy living out the stereotypical female role (he cries, he calls his friend repeatedly to talk about her, he cries some more, he eats, he sleeps, he cries himself to sleep, he wakes up and repeats the same pattern). This, you can tell, goes on for days and days and days - If not weeks, and weeks, and weeks. Finally boy finds himself ALONE, ALONE, COMPLETELY ALONE! SCREAM!

So, what does boy do? This is where the stereotypical feminine & masculine archetypes switch roles for a moment. Boy calls friend (which girl would do) to go out and have some fun. But, unlike the stereotypical feminine, who would probably drink, dance, and flirt; he, in his stereotypical masculine proceeds to drink, not dance, and F*#K. After the F-ing is over, he switched back to his stereotypical feminine and began to cry, while the girl with him in bed consoled him. You could see the distaste in comfort she was experiencing by this UN-stereotypical situation.

As far as my relationship, Clayton and I seem to switch our stereotypical feminine and masculine roles at times (all the time). I find that this is at times confusing and at times constructive. All in all, it’s once again about communication. Who takes on what role when, where, how and why? When you are in a relationship, sharing these roles can allow each individual to discover unstereotypical feminine and masculine in themselves, which can create a better and stronger partnership in their relationship.

Have you Ever experienced a situation and time where you have switched feminine and masculine roles in a relationship? If you have, I suggest taking an honest look at that experience and seeing how it affected you and that experience.

Examples: Emotional, physical, social, financial, etc.

Emotional: Do you find that one of you is more emotional than the other? How does this affect your relationship? Is it a positive or a negative? Is it something that needs to be shifted?

Physical: Do you find that one of you is more physical than the other? How does this affect your relationship? Is it a positive or a negative? Is it something that needs to be shifted?

Social: Do you find that one of you is more social than the other? How does this affect your relationship? Is it a positive or a negative? Is it something that needs to be shifted?

Financial: Do you find that one of you is more financially responsible than the other. How does this affect your relationship? Is it a positive or a negative? Is it something that needs to be shifted?

ETC: Do you find that one of you is more _________ than the other. How does this affect your relationship? Is it a positive or a negative? Is it something that needs to be shifted?

Look, what is stereotypical?

There is really no stereotypical anymore. In today’s world of shifting perceptions and new challenges, we have the choice to be who we want, playing the roles we want. Nonetheless, we have to make sure that who we you choose to be in our love life will fit into the roles of the relationship.

I suggest in your relationship you always reevaluate your roles and redefine your relationship.

Many times our confusion about our masculine and feminine within, especially today’s working women, can leave us alone and confused.

I hear women being frustrated asking… “Why am I not in a relationship?” “I’m successful in my business but not in love! WHY?”

Part of the reason for that is because we spend so much time working on our external looks, or not understanding how men and women can be successful in love together. Another part of the puzzle is that in order for a relationship to be healthy and last you have to become aware of the male and female within yourself.

Relationships May Fail - But We Do Not Have To Be Failures!

"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
- Friedrich Nietzsche

I had a former client, and for the sake of anonymity, lets call her Jill and her ex Jack. Jack and Jill, after 18 months of their relationship, (5 of which were in La La Land and the rest in varying degrees of Reality Land) decided that their relationship was at a breaking point. Throughout the portion of their relationship in Reality Land they experienced many difficult and trying situations, which finally were simply too much for them to carry on. So, they came to the conclusion that what they thought that they had found in La La Land and in brief moments in Reality Land were not real enough for them to have a REAL-ationship.

It might sound cliché, but there's always something you can learn from every experience in love relationships- especially the painful ones. Often times we need to repeat certain unhealthy patterns or behaviors, feel excruciating pain, or hit a bottom to learn from our "mistakes." The good news is that your current or past "failures" are the seeds that can inspire you to grow and blossom if you so choose. Your relationship challenges and past relationships can give you a clearer picture of what you want and what you don't want in a relationship if you take the time to examine them.

By the time Jack and Jill came to me for counseling, it was too little to late. The fact is that Jack didn't want to be in the relationship anymore. That's not to say that Jack didn't want to be in a relationship - just not one with Jill. So, after two sessions, Jack decided to break up. Jill continued counseling because she still had questions about the relationship that needed answers. Through our sessions, she started recognizing her patterns and failures. She now knew what her triggers where and where they stemmed from. This did not mean that she erased her patterns from her entire being and never repeated them again. But, once aware of them, she began to change her motivations and actions. This was a huge turning point for her. She realized that her break-up was an ending but also a beginning. The best part of this was that she was able to leave her past behind (not deny it), while letting go of her anger. Of course this did not come without hard work and some pain. But Jill survived and grew stronger from the process.

The purpose of all relationships is to help us grow. We choose certain people in our lives because they are mirror reflections of us in one or more ways. Even the most challenging relationships can be gifts in learning more about ourselves.

When I asked Jill what her biggest lesson was from this experience, she told me that even though she felt loss at the time of her break-up, she never felt like a looser.

So, instead of focusing at the failure of a relationship, I suggest you look at it as a growth experience and move forward by changing your behaviors and learning from it.

How To Talk The Money Talk

Many people will talk about anything, even sex, before they'll talk about their finances. Why is it so difficult for us to talk about money? Because money symbolizes power, control, security, and self-worth. It is even used to buy love.

Statistics say that 90% of divorces and relationship endings are caused by financial issues. You don’t just have to be poor to feel this strain. Even the rich get divorced over money issues. Too little or too much money can be at the heart of the matter.

So, what do you do? Strive to make it to the middle class and stay there? That is one approach that I don’t suggest. Because no matter where you stand on the economic scale verses the scale at the gym, we always want more. What I do suggest is not letting your finances, like your weight, dictate who you are as an individual or in a relationship.

The adage, you are what you eat, might be true. But so is, you can’t take it with you. So, maybe we should value the things that we can: our true self-worth and your lasting relationships.

If you find yourself a little too little and little too late then you must take this relationship ending from the debit column and find a way to put it the credit column to not repeat this financial pattern in your future relationship. As the stock market ebbs and flows (bull and bare markets) so will your love life. Sooner or later it will flow again for you.

Here are some suggestions on “The Money Talk” for couples or your future as a couple:

• Make clear whose money is whose money. Do you share a bank account or live financially independent from one another?
• Be honest with yourself and your partner on where you stand with money. If you have always been independent it might
be hard for you to be taken care of. If you have more assets than your partner, you might not be comfortable risking your
money, or resenting his or her spending habits that aren’t good.
• Be clear on where your money is going (rent, clothing, insurance, travel, food, transportation).
• Be clear on who keeps the household books and pays the bills.
• Come up with spending and savings guidelines. Let your partner spend their own spending money in the way that makes
them happy.
• How much money do you earn together? Now? In one year? Five Years? Ten Years?
• Get a long-range financial planner when you are financially ready for retirement and investments.

Sex in a Perfect World

Beginning a new sexual relationship is like entering the gates of a Secret Garden. It’s a place where a caterpillar creates its cocoon for the butterfly to escape its chrysalis and flutter around in your stomach. Falling in love feels like ecstasy. The bee’s wings, in frenetic motion, cause a buzzing sound in your ear. Life instantly begins to have meaning. Two birds in flight soar into the clouds. Your heart beats faster. Entangled and entwined. You are floating on air, and your possibilities seem endless. You experience a sense of vitality that you never felt before. The love you feel sparks a flame deep within your unconscious. Supplies of oxytocin, endorphins, dopamine, serotonin and other neurotransmitters are at high levels. Then you come crashing back to earth. You know your ABC’s and the birds and the bees. Its love in La La Land.

La La La...Blah Blah Blah... There is no such thing as a perfect world or a perfect relationship. There are just good ones and not so good ones. But, we can learn from them all. What have you learned about yourself from your past or present relationships? (comment on my Blog)

When Clayton and I first became intimate in our relationship the flames were high and sparks were flying everywhere. Then July 5th came and the fireworks were over. We both realized that we had to reignite our own passion and love for each other. Its not always easy with the day to day hustle and bustle and responsibilities in Reality Land. Clayton and I usually find time to make love on the weekends. This past Saturday must have been 13 minutes plus some foreplay (not that I was counting...LOL). When Monday came around I flirted with Clayton hoping to carry on the weekend into the work week. He was so exhausted from his long work day that he said NO! Why is it that its OK when men don't want to have sex and not OK when women don't?

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Sex takes 3 to 13 minutes

According to CNN.com and a survey of sex therapists, the optimal amount of time for sexual intercourse is 3 to 13 minutes. The average time is 7.3 minutes. This does not include foreplay. So, for all you you out there who feel short changed or cheated for what you thought was a "quickie," you might need to reevaluate. What turns you on? What is a good amout of time that works for you in your sexual experiences?

I have actually never timed myself having sex, unless I am so bored that I turn over to look at the clock (which I have never done with my fiance, Clayton..wink,wink). What I realize is that it is not about the time it takes, its how you utilize it. And, foreplay can last all day.

For All Y'All Spring Breakers

IT’S A WEEK LONG RECESS!!!

Spring Break has arrived! It’s a week to kiss off class, forget exams, and unwind. Let’s be honest here, Spring Break is no longer beach blanket bingo. Today it’s Girls Gone Wild, wet t-shirt contests, drunken debacles, and one niters. So, for some of you its fun in the sun or racing down the snowy slopes on the mountainside. For the rest of you, you won’t be joining your friends and classmates in their happy dance because it doesn’t fit in your budget, or previous responsibilities. Not matter what your situation is, it’s Spring Break. Find the time to give yourself that BREAK no matter where you are.

ASK Eris
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Last year I had to stay at school and work during Spring Break, while my boyfriend and his frat house went to South Padre. Long story short, a few weeks later, I wound up getting Chlamydia. I was shocked! As far as I was concerned, we were in a committed relationship. First he denied it, then he admitted to cheating, blamed it on the alcohol, said she meant nothing to him, and apologized. I semi forgave him and tried to forget. Since then we have had many ups and downs, but we have stayed together.
Well, here we are again – Spring Break. Once more, I have to stay back and work because exotic travel doesn’t fit into my budget, while my boyfriend is going to Jamaica with his frat brothers. Of course he has promised, promised, promised that it won’t happen again. However, I am already worried sick that he will cheat again. All week while he is gone, I am going to be pulling my hair out. I don’t know if I should stay with him or break up with him. I really do love him.

Eris Suggests,

First of all, you need to ask yourself what love is. Is love feeling worried that your boyfriend is going to cheat on you and might infect you with another STD? You should find yourself lucky that Chlamydia can be treated and cured with antibiotics. If he cheated on you once, who is to say that he won’t do it again? By the sound of what you are writing me, he has in no way, shape or form, tried to make you feel secure – while he goes off with his brothers. Where, in this dynamic are you valuing yourself? Let me answer that for you – NOWHERE. It is hard enough that you have to stay behind and work and can’t join your boyfriend to bask in the sun. I suggest that you use this week for some self-reflection. Be honest with yourself. What is the reality of your relationship? Can you do better by choosing someone that will make you feel more secure? (Check one) [ ] yes [ ] no. Become more aware of your self, what you want out of a relationship, and what kind of life you want to create for yourself. Find your self-worth. If you close the door on one unhealthy situation, you allow space for something else. It is up to you if you choose that to be something that will make you flourish, not pull your hair out.


ASK Eris
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I am so torn about what to do with my Spring Break. I’m a senior and it’s my last Spring Break before the “real world” kicks in. One group of my friends are going to Cancun while another group of my friends are involved with think MTV and United Way’s Alternative Spring Break in the Gulf Coast. The volunteer work sounds like what my heart wants to do and it will look good on my resume. However, I don’t want to miss out on the sun and fun with my friends. It’s my last time to really hang with them before we all move to all different parts of the country.


It is understandable that you want to bask in the sun with your friends – no one can blame you for that. However, although partying during Spring Break can lead to unforgotten times and stories, it isn’t the only way for you to spend your break. More and more every year, students across the country are donating their time as a volunteer/vacation opportunity. If you choose to go to the Gulf Coast, you are in a win win situation. Not only will you help your resume and future opportunities, you will feel good about what you did. There will be unforgettable times in this decision as well. Experts say that it will take years to rebuild the peoples shattered lives in the Gulf Coast. Why not listen to your heart, and be a part of the recovery efforts. Hard Hats off to you for wanting to help.

Valentine's Day

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not

It's that time of the year again - February - the month of romance and Valentine's Day - and another Hallmark moment (It's the second largest capitalistic gift giving holiday of the year). For some of you, your rooms will be filled with sweet tart hearts, See's candies, and bouquets of flowers. You are in love, and will be exchanging cards that say, "Will you be mine?" For others it's a lonely day and a lonely night while watching the lovebirds in their La La Land. For you, the fact that people actually buy into this contrived, manmade, multibillion-dollar holiday is silly at best. Nonetheless, for most of you, there is probably somewhere, deep down inside of you, a glimmer of hope that cupid will take his bow and shoot you with his arrow that will cause you to fall in love. Whatever the case may be, just remember to always love yourself.

Here are some of the Valentine's Day questions I have recieved from my readers:

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Ever since I was a kid, I felt forced into Valentine's Day, and forced into expressing love in a way that I'm not ready to. This occasion ruins the natural process of love. It's a complete set up, which I think was created by the female of the species. I care about my current girlfriend; but with Valentines Day right around the corner, I'm put into this position once again. I don't know how to express myself, or what to give her. I even have the thought of breaking up with her before the holiday and then getting back together with her afterwards. But, I know that this is not right. What should I do?


Eris Suggests:

It's a good thing that you know that breaking up to avoid the pressures of Valentine's Day isn't a healthy thing to do. I suggest that you talk to your girlfriend and explain to her the pressure that you feel around Valentine's Day. Give her the chance to express herself with you as well. As far as a gift, be creative - come up with something simple and appropriate. Or, come up with something together that feels comfortable for both of you. I suggest that you do not force yourself into saying anything that you do not want to say. Valentines day does not have to be such a pressure filled holiday nor does it have to become a bank account buster.

FYI - Although many women do get excited to celebrate Valentines Day with the person that they love, women did not create it. It was traditionally dedicated to two ancient male martyrs named Valentine.


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Valentines Day is right around the corner AGAIN and I'm starting to freak out. I generally get an overwhelming feeling of loneliness around February. And, to top it off, I'm surround by women at work. Most of them are already getting cards, gifts, flowers, etc. And I won't - unless I send them to myself. Should I send myself flowers to escape the embarrassment or should I call in sick on Valentine's Day?

Eris suggests:

The fact is that everywhere you look in February is images of couples kissing, candy, hearts, and love, love, love. It is a shame that people who are not in a relationship are made to feel bad on Valentines Day. To make matters worse, if you are already feeling alone, then this day can trigger all sorts of difficult feelings and emotions. However, all of this hype can trick you into putting just as much focus on this holiday as society does. This can be unwarranted as well as unhealthy. I suggest that you change your perception of this day. Its just another day, and not being in a relationship right now is not the end of the world. Don't get down on yourself for that. You first need to be in a relationship with yourself, empower yourself, and fall in love with you. There can't possibly be a better time to do this than right now. Self worth comes from you, not from anyone else. Take contrary action on Valentines Day and have a date with you, yourself, and YOU. Take yourself to the movies, go on a nice hike, go shopping (Just don't get yourself into debt). You can also enjoy the day with a friend. As Oscar Wilde said, "To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance."

I get many e-mails surrounding Valentine's Day break-ups. This does not surprise me being that this holiday revolves around equating love - finding the dollar figure that says, "I love you," in just the "right amount." The rest of the year, we show each other how much we love by the little things, how we listen, how we act. But on this day, its pre planned, pre packaged, pre marketed, pre sold, pre bought, and pre consumed. But lets not remove February 14th from our calendars. Lets just remember what its for - EXPRESSING LOVE.


PS: For all of you that e-mailed me about your Valentines Day break-ups - I'm sorry. But if your significant other broke up with you because of this holiday then there was more to it than that or not enough. Be thankful that you are free at last, free at last, free at last.

Love, Eris